


Rock My Party

by MagickGarlick



Category: Flight of the Conchords, Flight of the Conchords - All Media Types, Jemaine Clement - Fandom, bret mckenzie - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Dont worry kids, Dumbasses, F/M, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Not At All Explicit, Slightly - Freeform, Squee, aight, and for laughs, anything sexual is just implied, but there was only one bed, crochet- mentioned, dave has a cameo, fanfiception, glomps you, jemaines big lips, making fun of fic, mel isnt really there but shes there in spirit, ok so this is a fanfiction abt them reading fanficiton of themselves, ok there is one defo sexual moment but its like 5 words, stupid, throwback to 2009 ff.net, we all know who wrote it, x Reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-13 13:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20583593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagickGarlick/pseuds/MagickGarlick
Summary: ‘”Rocking The Party”- A Reader x Jemaine x Bret story. Its on this site called, www.fanfiction.net.’ Bret says dubiously.‘Oh, they spelt my name right. That's nice.’‘They got the name of the song wrong though.’‘Well you can't expect too much Bret, I'm sure they tried their best.’‘What does “Reader x” mean.’‘Maybe its like algebra?’





	Rock My Party

**Author's Note:**

  * For [loserwitharedballoon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/loserwitharedballoon/gifts).

‘Oi, Murray. What’re you reading?’ Jemaine asks, coming into the office.

‘Ah, I'm not, ah, reading anything. Where would you get that notion?’

‘Well it's cause you were mouthing words and tracing your hand across the screen. And well, that's what you do whenever you're uh, reading stuff on your laptop.’

‘Oh yeah that is what I do. Well, I was reading an article.’

'What about.’

‘Baby seal... extinction.’

‘Baby seals are extinct?’

‘Yes. it happened yesterday.’

‘Oh. That's not good.’

‘No Jemaine, it _isn't_. It isn't good at all.’

Bret walks in.

‘Hey Bret, did you hear that baby seals have just gone extinct?’ Jemaine says.

‘No they haven't.

‘Yeah they have.’

‘No way, they can't've.'

‘Ah yes, denial,’ Murray cuts in, ‘the first stage.’

‘Did the adult seals die?’

‘Ah, no, just the babies. _That's_ why it's so tragic.’ Murray explains.

‘But,’ Bret says, ‘if the adults are still alive, there's still a breeding population, so uh, really, baby seals aren't extinct. Or maybe they are, but only for a bit. Like about the, uh, gestation period of a seal.’

‘Yeah Bret you're right, baby seals can’t be extinct.’ Jemaine hum-growls, ‘oi, Murray, you weren't really reading an article about the extinction of baby seals, were you?’

Murray places his head in his hands.

‘Awhhh, you two are _too sharp_ for me- I wasn't reading an article about baby seals, I was reading the first thing that came up when I typed, “Flight of the Conchords”.’

‘Oh. Well that's not too bad. What's that then?’

‘Oh you guys, you don't wanna know about this.’

‘Well when I walked in and you were reading something on your laptop you seemed to be enjoying whatever you were reading on your laptop, to be honest Murray.’

‘What? no. _No_, I wasn't _enjoying_ it at all. It wasn't at all enjoyable.’

‘But you were smiling, and I think you giggled a little bit.’

‘Don't be ridiculous Jemaine, I wasn't.’

‘Oh. Okay.’

Bret and Jemaine didn't think about it until they got home.

‘I wonder what Murray was reading.’ Bret wondered, wonderingly.

‘Yeah.’ Jemaine affirmed.

‘Hey. If we search up, “Flight of the Conchords” then the first thing that comes up will be what Murray was reading and then uh, well then we cant read it too, can't we?’

‘Oh yeah, that's true.’

Bret and Jemaine didn't have a computer so they went to Dave's place.

‘Hey Dave, can we use your computer?’ Jemaine asked, through the door.

They heard heavy breathing from the inside. Dave yelled out, short of breath.

‘No- I'm using my computer right now- go find someone else!’

‘Oh. uh. Do you have any recommendations as to where we could, uh, go?’

‘I'm kinda busy right now guys!’

‘Hmm yeah. But, uh, are you sure you don't know anyone?’

‘There's an internet cafe a block from here, now can you two _leave me alone?_ you’re really ruining the mood here.’

‘Oh, okay Thanks Dave. Good chat.’

Bret and Jemaine lope off to the internet cafe.

Finally they're able to find out what Murray was looking at that morning.

‘Let's see here... Flight- of- the- Con- chords.’ Bret presses enter.

At the top of the screen, the first option is:

‘”Rocking The Party”- A Reader x Jemaine x Bret story. Its on this site called, www.fanfiction.net.’ Bret says dubiously.

‘Oh, they spelt my name right. That's nice.’

‘They got the name of the song wrong though.’

‘Well you can't expect too much Bret, I'm sure they tried their best.’

‘What does “Reader x” mean.’

‘Maybe its like algebra?’

‘I dunno.’

Jemaine clicks on it.

* * *

Rocking The Party

A Reader x Jemaine x Bret story by Rock_Mel_On

You stumble out of your house, your good for nothing boyfriend has just dumped you.

You knew you should never have trusted him, why didn't you read the signs?

* * *

‘Bret, I don’t think this is algebra.’ 

* * *

Just then, you see a man standing in the rain. He looks so tall and mysterious. He's wearing a trench coat. He turns to you, and he is very non conventionally handsome.

(A/N we all know who this is, haha squEEE!!!)

‘Are you alright?’ he says, caringly.

‘Yeah, I'm-’ you sob, ‘I'm fine.’ his voice is so sexy, you don't know what his accent is but its very unique.

‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ he asks again. He's so caring, you don't even know this man but you already think he's great. He has dark, sword-like eyebrows, and big, succulent lips. You like his curly hair and chunky glasses, it makes him look sort of cute and dorkish, but in a really, really, sexy way.

* * *

‘Oh, that's me then, is it? It sounds like me.’

‘Yeah it sounds like you cept', if it_ was_ you then this girl wouldn't be into you.’

‘This person- you mean. They actually didn't specify the sex of the protagonist yet Bret, its really quite closed minded of you to assume their sex because they had a boyfriend.’

‘Oh yeah that's right, it could be a gay guy.’

‘That's exactly right.’

‘We should continue reading to find out.’

‘I hope that it's a woman, and not a gay guy, because they seem to be into me, and I like ladies, you know.’

* * *

‘What's your name?’ you ask him.

‘Jemaine.’ he says, ‘I'm Jemaine Clement.’

‘That's a beautiful name, you sound like a citrus fruit.’

‘Thank you, people have uh, people have described me as “fruity” before so-’

* * *

‘Uh oh I think you’re flirting with him Jemaine.’

‘We still don't know if its a man. And if it is, and if I am flirting with him, then that's very out of character and the writer should feel bad. Because I am not a homosexual.’

* * *

‘Oh- I don't think you’re fruity at all Jemaine. In fact, just looking at you I'd already think that you have a, savoury flavour.’

‘Oh. Thanks. You are very pretty.’

You blush, and cover your mouth with your hands.

‘What are you doing out at night like this, Jemaine?’

‘I just like to take walks in the dark sometimes, and clear my head.’ he looks up at the sky, and smiles knowingly. The rain runs down his face, dripping off his chin, ‘the stars are so pretty tonight.’

He seems so wise, and beautiful. Like a flower, or a storm.

‘My boyfriend kicked me out, and I have nowhere to go. I'm a girl at night with nowhere to go. I'm scared Jemaine.’

* * *

‘Ha! See- it is a girl.’

‘Yes well it was still good not to assume.’

‘I suppose you're right.’

* * *

‘Oh, you can stay at my apartment tonight if you want to.’

(A/N OKAY THE PLOTS REALLY PIKCING UP NOW GUYSSS!! hehe!!)

‘Really?’ you reply, overjoyed.

‘Yeah, you shouldn't be out alone at night, it's dangerous. Especially for a girl as beautiful as you are.’ he pauses, ‘I have a roommate, I hope you don't mind.’

(A/N i know i dont mind lolololol)

‘Oh no, I don't mind at all. Thank you for letting me stay with you.’

With bated breath, you walk with Jemaine to his apartment.

* * *

‘So wait am I gonna appear soon? This girl sounds really pretty, I might end up stealing her from you Jemaine.'

‘No you won't, she's clearly into me.’

‘Yeah but you just wait till I turn on the charm.’ Bret replies smugly.

* * *

As soon as you walk inside, you see a gorgeous man, presumably Jemaine's roommate, standing in the kitchen with only a towel around his waist. He's shorter than Jemaine, and has delicate, more conventionally handsome features.

‘Yeah. This is Bret, say hi, Bret.’

Bret turns around and gives a dazzling smile.

‘Hello there.’ he murmurs sexily, in the same beautiful deep accent as Jemaine. ‘what's your name?’

‘I'm Y/N’

‘Nice to meet you Y/N.’

* * *

‘What does Y slash N mean?’ Jemaine asks.

‘Maybe it’s her initials, and they’ve just shortened it,’ Bret replies.

‘But you can't shorten names like that in a novel. This isn't- this isn't your history notes for secondary school Bret. You can't just initialize characters name like quickly writing HH instead of Hōne Heke, which I know you did because you told me that story about how you only wrote that in your notes the whole time and when the test rolled around you had actually forgotten who you were talking about.’

‘I told you that story?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Hmm. maybe she’s foreign.’

‘Yeah.’

* * *

You're flustered, you have met not one, but two beautiful examples of the male specimen tonight.

You lock eyes with Bret.

‘Yeah we should probably go to sleep now, it's getting late.’ Jemaine says, abruptly breaking your and Bret's gaze.

‘Yeah. You're right.’ Bret replies, still looking at you, though you've looked down by now, ears red.

‘Uh, do you have a spare blanket? I'll take the couch-’ you start to ask.

‘Nonsense, you can have my bed, Y/N.’ Jemaine cuts in sexily.

(A/N i wish that jemaine would let me sleep in his bed… i mean i do go lie in it when theyre out of the house haha!!! Just kidding i dont do that!!!)

You blush harder.

‘No no, I don't want to be any trouble-’

‘Trust me, I insist. I would feel so bad, if I allowed a guest to be uncomfortable.’

‘Well okay then Jemaine.’ you giggle, ‘if you insist.’

‘I do, I do insist.’

He shows you to his room. Their room. There are two beds, presumably for Jemaine and Bret. Jemaine may be over on the couch, but you're going to be in close proximity with the other beauty in this residence. You feel nervous already. How will you sleep with his sex god energy so close by?

* * *

‘Jemaine, I do think, that this is the most accurate depiction of me I have ever seen.’ Bret says confidently.

‘Nah.’

‘What do you mean nah?’

‘Well I mean they've got me right, with my being a gentleman and allowing the lady to take the bed and all that- but you? They made you way too suave Bret.’

‘They made you too suave.’

‘Did not. This is completely accurate regarding me, they just got you wrong.’

* * *

You slip into the bed. On top of it is a hand crocheted blanket, you wonder if Jemaine made it himself.

God, there's nothing sexier than someone who can crochet, you think to yourself.

* * *

‘It’s a bit weird that whoever wrote this has such intimate knowledge of our apartment, don’t you think?’ Jemaine comments.

‘Yeah you’re right. It is a bit weird.’ Bret agrees.

‘Yeah.’ Jemaine affirms.

* * *

Just as you're getting settled in, you hear a mumble on the other bed.

‘Shove over, Bret.’ A sexy whisper.

‘I thought you were taking the couch.’ a seductive grumble.

‘Nah, we can both fit in one bed.’

‘I guess that's true.’

* * *

‘Well this is a little bit gay.’ Jemaine comments.

‘Yeah. But there's nothing wrong with that.’

‘Yeah I know, but it’s us though, and we aren't gay.’

‘That is true yeah. But if we were gay, it wouldn't be wrong.’

‘Yeah, but we’re not.’

‘Yeah. True.’

* * *

You feel guilty, because something about these two incredibly beautiful men sharing a queen sized bed makes your heart beat faster.

You mutter disparagingly to yourself.

‘Come on Y/N, that's what you get for watching too much anime when you were 16...’

(A/N: omg don’t question it lol O///O)

An hour passes, until you heard their breathing settle long ago. You get up to take a peek at them.

They're cuddling together, Jemaine has his arms wrapped around Bret, who is humming contentedly in his sleep.

* * *

‘Hey, why are you big spoon?’

‘It's cause I'm bigger, so therefore I am the bigger man, or in this case, spoon, relative to you.’

‘But you aren't a spoon, Jemaine’ Bret protests.

‘But I am bigger.’

* * *

Unconsciously, Jemaine nestles his head of dark curls into Bret's thin and delicate neck.

* * *

‘Oi. Stop doing that, that's real gay Jemaine.’

‘I can't control it, it's not me, it’s just a fake version of me.’

‘But you said it was a really accurate depiction of you.’

‘It was, when I was being really nice to the lady and she thought I was really sexy, but now he’s doing gay stuff and that's not accurate. Besides you aren't guiltless. Look at you being- uh, cuddled. It takes two to gay.’

‘Yeah that's fair yeah. But to be fair you’re definitely the one taking a more active role in our homosexual relationship.’

‘It’s not my fault, I was just written that way. I'm such a ladies man that the writer knows that if I were a man's man, which I am not, I would be the man in a man man relationship.’

‘But both men are men in a man man relationship.'

* * *

(A/N okokokok the good bit is coming up now squeeeeeeee!!!!!!)

Just then something unexpected occurs. Jemaine opens his eyes, he then locks eyes with you. He winks, and he reaches around, to grab Bret's crotch-

* * *

Jemaine deletes the tab.

‘Yeah.’ Bret says. ‘good call.’

‘Who wrote that?’

‘Probably you, seeing as how you were getting all gay on me just then.’

‘But I wasn't, that wasn't the real me.’

‘I still feel violated Jemaine. I feel like you've really broken our sense of trust.’ Bret looks away, ‘I might actually have to spend some time away from you after that.’

‘Really?’

‘I said maybe, I probably won't though.’

‘Hey, are you guys gonna buy some coffee or should I kick you out?’ 


End file.
